home sweet home. or sort of

so im back in sydney and the weather is so much more amazing than i remember. grass isnt greener north of the border for this little pale kid.

and so im thrown back into the storm that was my life when i left here 10 days ago. things havent gotten any better, havent gotten any easier. im still left sitting here wondering what the hell im going to do with the shit pile that is my life right now.

im so torn because i dont want to hurt people. him in particular. but things right now.. i need a more permanent vacay for my brain. i need to sort through the rubble and see if i can salvage anything worthwhile.

i dont know how long it will take and i know how indefinates can tear people apart. but all i have to give i am giving and its still not enough.


shit.

fern gully lied..

rain forests aren't fun and romantic. 5km hikes in ballet flats with up and down rain forest mountains at seven thirty in the morning. Spiders and leeches and ticks oh my! Together with mosquito's big enough to saddle and ride around it was an interesting morning.. Die hard two in the afternoon and night swims topped off with cane toad golf. Its been a long day. Dear me. Tomorrow night we say our final goodbye's to sunny queensland and head back to sydney to pick up where i left off getting out of house and finding a home.

townsville, the weather is hot, the flies and mosquito's run rampant and i have still not failed to be the palest person around. I'm not missing much from home other than a few friends and my gorgeous baby kitty. That said i couldn't live here. Too slow. I guess i thrive on being run into the ground. I'm much too relaxed here. People are still making up stories despite me being however many thousand km's away. Brilliant. So many people to put in their place so little time.

rehab.. No no no.

i don't ever want to drink again. I just.. I just need a friend. I'm not going to spend ten weeks, have everyone think i'm on the mend. Now its not just my pride, its just till these tears have dried.

i.ve just stopped to think how over the years i have lost contact with so many important people from my life due to complicated relationships.. On both sides. Mainly peoples girlfriends just don't like me.. But the loss kind of tuggs at me constantly whether i recognise the source or not. Usually everything is masked in a hangover. But dreams of friendships past seem to be coming back to haunt me again. I need to get back to my own stomping ground.

something to look forward to

its always nice to have good things coming up to look forward to. it doesnt happen often. but when it rains it pours right? in the bad and good. so despite the fact everyone seems to think they can make up bullshit stories about things they know nothing about and talk shit till their faces turn blue. i still have a lot of good things coming up to outweigh them.

new years on a budget. summery dresses and sandals in the park with lots of drinks and real friends and tunes. celebrating with the people who stuck by and knew the truth over everything was all that mattered.

good gigs: the black keys, the arctic monkeys and ryan adams all in one month. spent with the people i care most about. trashalicious.

finally living with my best friend and all round best person to live (aka the "homewrecker"): pam is finally getting out of wagga and moving up here. we have plans of amazing crib decorating, good food and morning yoga dates. being around someone i trust with my life will be a good thing for me. things will be complete.

i figure things can only go up from here.

"They say what doesnt kill you makes you stronger.... except polio"

facebook

so i log in today and theres the little flag thing to say i have notifications or what not.

"6 people have answered a question about your personal life, click here to find out what they wrote"

you've got to be kidding me!


anyway, day 2 of diet. yesterday was the first in over a week where i'd had less then 4 vodka's. i only had one. and i went for a long stroll.

life's got to get better somehow

people seriously cant keep their big fucking noses out of my shit. i am tired of hearing about things that ive "said" or "done"... false stories about me, my friends or my friendships. I realise your lives are shit and you need something to occupy your time, but find some other poor twat to make "friends" with and then tear down because i couldnt care less about all of you.

its funny how people think they have some relevance in my life when really if i ever see their faces again it will be too soon.

find someone else to heckle, or better still, just go kill yourself.

i just walked every dark back alley i could find to my local seven eleven to buy chicken twisties and pizza subs at half past three in the morning. This is all after being awake less than three hours before getting drunk and then going to a pub till it closed then getting a cab to go to the only open bar in the city. Before having to go home because my friends left. I love life

my life plan

goes something like this:

me, pam, grace, court and owen start selling class a's to make money to move to new york. once there pam will become a hot shot lawyer and will go through husbands such as justin timberlake, eric bana and jeremy piven. courtney will become the worlds most coveted fashion designer and make an item that will become the new birkin bag. grace will be the next and best victorias secret model and be the most known face across the globe and (for some reason unbeknown to me) marry john mayer. owen will grow up, marry a pop star and have strange names children such as broom closet and paper trail. and i... i will have my own tragic dating show, end up on celebrity rehab and then write a book about my life. which will then be turned into a hallmark channel made for tv movie.

and we'll all live happily ever after.



and now the song this reminds me of:

From a phone booth in Vegas Jessie calls at 5 AM
To tell me how shes tired of all of them
She says baby I've been thinking about a trailer by the sea
We could go to Mexico you the cat and me
We'll drink tequila and look for seashells
Now doesn't that sound sweet
Jessie you always do this every time I get back on my feet

Jessie paint your pictures 'bout how it's gunna be
By now I should know better
Your dreams are never free
But tell me all about our little trailer by the sea
Jessie you can always sell any dream to me
Oh Jessie u can always sell any dream to me

She asked me how the cats been
I say Moses he's just fine
But he used to think about you all the time
We finally took your pictures down off the wall
Jessie how do you always seem to know just when to call
She says get yourself together
Bring Mose and drive real fast and I listen to her promise
I swear to God this time it's gunna last

Jessie paint your pictures 'bout how it's gunna be
By now I should know better
Your dreams are never free
But tell me all about our little trailor by the sea
Jessie you can always sell any dream to me
Oh, Jessie you can always sell any dream to me

Jessie you can always sell any dream to me

I'll love you in the sunshine
Lay you down in the warm white sand
And who knows maybe this time
Things'll turn out just the way you planned

Jessie paint your pictures about how it's gunna be
By now I should know better
Your dreams are never free
But tell me all about our little trailor by the sea
Jessie you can always sell any dream to me
Oh, Jessie u can always sell any dream to me

why does everything have to be so hard

oh dear

I am the walking wounded

waking to a room chilled to almost goosebump temperature to stave off the dark sweats. the floor is littered with last nights outfits and fast food wrappers. i don't even want to think how many times i've dragged myself up those stairs at 7am, incoherent, stumbling, shaking, laughing, crying. a ten car pile up.

shit.

i feel like maybe i rendered myself unconscious at some point last night, stopped breathing. starved my brain of oxygen so when i came to i had the iq equivalent (and looks) of a basset hound.


i need to buy a Dictaphone.

Courtney Awesome

makes me sexy
god damn.
best present ever

You know me better than I know myself.

My first vinyl courtesy of Sean + Nicky. Oh dear, my today has a Saviour, its Ryan Adams vinyl.