Yeah "lady" I kept your secrets.

I am fairly persistent at doing a whole lot of nothing. I have constant Monday-itis and its driving me insane.
Right along with everything else in my life right now.
It’s hard to exist in a group of people who are constantly misleading each other. I feel like a fly on the wall all the time and I watch them interact with each other and wonder how they can be happy with this?

From all my years of sitting quietly in the background has given me this insight into people and how they work. It sounds so patronizing and well… stuck up. But from never having to be in social situations, from never having any friends and from spending my time on the sideline… in a way has made me better but at the same time worse. And its hard to explain it to someone I care about it when I have no proof other than what I know in my heart is true. So I will always be the bad guy. I will always be seen as the judgmental one. The rude one. But I am not judging them; at least I try not to. They are welcome to do and say what they like.

But when it concerns someone who means everything to me then I can’t sit back and watch it all happen. Mainly because I don’t want to let this person think it is okay to treat me in this way. I don’t want to end up feeling like I can treat people that way.

Honesty is the best policy and I am honest to a fault. Blunt to the point of no return and if it’s not right. Well I don’t want to be.

And if I am to be honest then I feel disgust that I am the one that is constantly judged. I am the crazy one who needs help, the shit girlfriend, the trashy talentless idiot who picks the wrong friends and makes time for the wrong people. The only thing stopping me from giving out everyone of these assholes secrets is that it would hurt the one person who (most of the time) doesn’t deserve it. Not the ones who do.

It’s all well and good, but my happy face is tiring of their bullshit.

Its all so cliché and corny but I feel like I’m being sucked into a place and being morphed into someone I don’t want to be. I want more but don’t have the guts to do it. Or the skills. Either or. I am proficient in self loathing and wallowing in self pity though. So if you need lessons please feel free to contact me.

I need some sort of stability and in this world and with this life it’s not something I have. All I have to rely on is always having a vodka in one hand and a smoke in the other and all my brain cells and memories and what little talent I have just going down the drain.

I hate that person. But I don’t know how to be anyone else.